What to say to someone who is suicidal

If someone is in immediate danger, call 911 and stay with them if it’s safe to do so. In the US, you can call or text 988, the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, any time, including if you’re worried about someone else.

You’re worried about someone. Maybe they’ve said something that scared you, or they just don’t seem like themselves. You want to help, but you’re afraid of saying the wrong thing.

You don’t need to be an expert. Here’s what to look out for and what to say.

Warning signs

The National Institute of Mental Health says these may be signs someone is thinking about suicide, especially if they’re new or have increased recently:

Talking about:

• wanting to die
• great guilt or shame
• being a burden to others

Feeling:

• empty, hopeless, trapped, or having no reason to live
• extremely sad, more anxious, agitated or full of rage
• unbearable emotional or physical pain

Changing behaviour, such as:

• making a plan or researching ways to die
• withdrawing from friends, saying goodbye, giving away important items or making a will
• taking dangerous risks, like driving extremely fast
• extreme mood swings
• eating or sleeping more or less
• using drugs or alcohol more often

The 5 action steps

The #BeThe1To campaign, from the US Department of Health and Human Services, suggests five steps.

1. Ask

Ask directly: “Are you thinking about suicide?” It’s not an easy question, but it can start the conversation. A review of studies found that asking about suicide doesn’t increase suicidal thoughts, and that talking about it may even reduce them.

2. Be there

Listen without judgement. Let them talk, and take what they say seriously. You don’t need to fix anything.

3. Help keep them safe

Ask if they have a plan. Making dangerous items or places less available, like medicines or weapons, can help them stay safe while the thoughts pass. If they’re in immediate danger, call 911.

4. Help them connect

Help them call or text 988, or connect with a trusted family member, friend, spiritual advisor, doctor or therapist. You can offer to sit with them while they call.

5. Follow up

Stay in touch after a crisis. A text or call in the following days and weeks can make a real difference.

What to say

• “Are you thinking about suicide?”
• “I’m really glad you told me.”
• “I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere.”
• “That sounds incredibly painful.”
• “You don’t have to go through this alone.”
• “Can we call 988 together?”
• “What would help right now?”
• “I’ll check in with you tomorrow.”

What not to say

• Don’t promise to keep it a secret. Their safety comes first.
• Don’t argue or lecture, like “You have so much to live for” or “Think about how your family would feel.” It can make people feel more misunderstood or guilty.
• Don’t minimise, like “Everyone feels like that sometimes” or “It’s not that bad.”
• Don’t try to shock or challenge them.
• Don’t leave them alone if you think they’re in immediate danger.

If they don’t want help

You can’t force someone to get help, but you can keep showing up. Keep checking in, keep the door open, and let them know you’re there when they’re ready. If you believe they’re in immediate danger, call 911, even if they don’t want you to.

Look after yourself too

Supporting someone who is suicidal is hard. You aren’t responsible for keeping someone alive on your own. Share the load with others, and talk to someone yourself. You can call or text 988 for support as someone worried about a loved one.

Frequently asked questions

What do you say to someone who wants to die?

Ask directly if they’re thinking about suicide, listen without judgement, tell them you’re glad they told you, and help them connect with 988 or a doctor. Being there matters more than finding perfect words.

Does asking about suicide put the idea in someone’s head?

No. Research suggests that asking about suicide doesn’t increase suicidal thoughts, and that talking about it may reduce them.

Can I call 988 for someone else?

Yes. You can call or text 988 if you’re worried about someone else. They can talk you through how to help.

What if they ask me to keep it a secret?

Don’t promise to keep it secret. Tell them you care too much to keep it to yourself, and that you want to help them get support.

How Breatheasy can help

Breatheasy can be one small part of someone’s safety net. Crisis help and a chosen emergency contact are always one tap away, and Luma chats have crisis safety built in. For you, as the person supporting them, tapping “I’m feeling anxious” and breathing along with Luma can help you stay calm in a frightening moment. Breatheasy doesn’t replace emergency services, 988 or professional care. Breatheasy is coming soon to iPhone and Android.

Sources

• 5 action steps to help someone having thoughts of suicide, National Institute of Mental Health
• Warning signs of suicide, National Institute of Mental Health
• Does asking about suicide and related behaviours induce suicidal ideation? What is the evidence?, Dazzi and others, Psychological Medicine, 2014
• Suicide prevention, National Institute of Mental Health
• 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline