“I hate myself”: why you might feel this way, and what helps

If you’re thinking about hurting yourself or ending your life, please reach out now. In the US, call or text 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, any time, or call 911 if you’re in danger.

Maybe it’s a voice that shows up after a mistake. Maybe it’s there most days, a heavy feeling that you’re not good enough, that you ruin things, that people would be better off without you.

If you’re thinking “I hate myself”, you’re not alone, and it doesn’t mean the thought is true. Here’s where it comes from and what helps.

Why do I hate myself?

There’s rarely one reason. Self-hatred often grows from a mix of:

• Depression, which colours how you see yourself, the world and the future. Our post on major depressive disorder explains the signs.
• A harsh inner critic, often learned from critical parents, teachers, bullying or the media. The NHS notes that low self-esteem often begins in childhood, when the message that you’re not good enough is the one that stays with you.
• Shame, especially after trauma, abuse or something you regret.
• Perfectionism, where anything less than perfect feels like failure.
• Comparison, especially on social media.
• Anxiety, which makes you replay mistakes and imagine what others think.
• Intrusive thoughts, like unwanted thoughts of harm in OCD, which can make people feel they must be bad. Our post on intrusive thoughts myths explains why those thoughts don’t say anything about who you are.
• Stress and difficult life events, like illness, a breakup or a loss.

What to do right now

1. Pause and name it: “I’m having the thought that I hate myself.” This creates a little distance from the thought.
2. Breathe out slowly a few times. Strong feelings ease when your body calms.
3. Ask what happened. Did something trigger this, like a mistake, a comment or being tired?
4. Talk to yourself like a friend. What would you say to someone you love who said this about themselves?
5. Do one kind thing for yourself: a drink of water, a shower, fresh air, food.
6. Reach out to someone you trust, even just to say you’re having a hard day.

Steps that change how you see yourself

Catch and write down the thoughts

The NHS suggests noting your negative thoughts about yourself in a diary, and asking when you first started to think them.

Look for evidence against them

Next, write evidence that challenges those beliefs, like “My sister calls for a chat every week” or “I helped a colleague today”. The NHS suggests aiming for at least five positive things about yourself, adding to the list regularly, and keeping it somewhere you’ll see it.

Practise self-compassion

Self-compassion means treating yourself with the kindness you’d offer a friend. A review of 14 studies found that people with more self-compassion tend to have fewer mental health difficulties, like depression, anxiety and stress. Try putting a hand on your chest and saying: “This is really hard. I’m not the only one who feels this way. May I be kind to myself.”

Spend time with people who are good for you

Spend less time with people who put you down, and more with people who appreciate you.

Do things that bring a sense of achievement

Small goals, like a walk, a tidy drawer or a phone call, show you that you can do things, even when your mind says you can’t.

Get support

Talking therapies like cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) can help change deep-rooted beliefs about yourself. Compassion-focused therapy (CFT) was developed for people who struggle with high shame and self-criticism.

When to get help

Talk to a doctor or therapist if you hate yourself most days, if it comes with low mood, loss of interest or hopelessness, or if you’re hurting yourself. If you’re thinking about ending your life, call or text 988 (US) now, or call 911 if you’re in immediate danger.

Frequently asked questions

Why do I hate myself so much?

Often because of a mix of depression, a harsh inner critic learned early in life, shame, perfectionism, anxiety or difficult experiences. These feelings are understandable, and they can change with support.

Is it normal to hate yourself?

Many people go through times of strongly disliking themselves, so you’re not alone. But it isn’t something you have to live with. If it’s constant, it may be a sign of depression or low self-esteem, which are treatable.

How do I stop hating myself?

Start small: notice and write down the thought, look for evidence against it, talk to yourself as you would to a friend, and do one kind thing for yourself each day. Therapy like CBT or compassion-focused therapy can help a lot.

Can self-hatred be a sign of depression?

Yes. Feelings of worthlessness or excessive guilt are common symptoms of depression. If they come with low mood or loss of interest for two weeks or more, talk to a doctor.

How Breatheasy can help

Breatheasy gives you a gentle place to be kind to yourself. The journal asks “What went well today, big or small?” and “What are you grateful for today?”, helping you collect evidence against the inner critic, and you can star the days you want to remember. When feelings get overwhelming, tap “I’m feeling anxious” and Luma walks you through slow breathing and grounding, and crisis help is always one tap away. Breatheasy is coming soon to iPhone and Android.

Sources

• Raising low self-esteem, NHS
• Exploring compassion: a meta-analysis of the association between self-compassion and psychopathology, MacBeth and Gumley, Clinical Psychology Review, 2012
• Introducing compassion-focused therapy, Gilbert, Advances in Psychiatric Treatment, 2009
• Depression, National Institute of Mental Health
• 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline